Sunday, December 23, 2012

Its not happening

I can't do it. I'm not ready. I don't want anything serious. I can't deal with that kind of stress, I'm only 20 years old anyway, I have better things to do with my time then spend it trying to salvage something I really don't want. I know this seems confusing; I was confused. But now I know what I at least don't want, so now I can start working on what I do want. And what I want right now, is the freedom to choose what I want to do. So it begins.

Monday, November 5, 2012

life changing decisions

I have come to the conclusion that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. It has come to my attention that time waits for no one, and the more time I spend apart from him the more time I waste in this petty state of mind of mine. I thought about it; what would be the difference in being single and having friends or dating and having friends? I recently asked myself why can't I have just guy friends. Probably because of the way I act and things I say. It's hard to put these thoughts into words at the moment, so please bear with me.
What I'm trying to say is that I want to be able to spend my life with him and still be able to hang out with JUST FRIENDS and go out and still live my life, but with him in it. I love this man, to no end. I fear of losing him with tremendous force. I love the way he is, inside and out, and I enjoy being with him. But I don't want to end up losing myself again. I can't afford that anymore. This will test my patience and self-discipline. But I believe I can do this, and do it right this time.
We will always need some kind of space between us, but for the better. Our lives don't need to focus only each other, but rather keep a balance. That's the key. Balance.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Where am I?

          For the past couple of weeks I have been hanging out with a new friend. He is a little over 10 years older than me, but obviously age doesn't matter to me, otherwise I wouldn't really speak to him at all. But some things have come up between us, things in which I feel are too serious. For me at this point in time anyway. So earlier today we had gotten into an argument about me not wanting to have sex with him (anymore) and not opening up to him and expressing my feelings. First off, I have a problem with opening up to anyone, and anyone that knows me well enough can tell you from experience. It takes a long time for me to truly spill my heart out to someone, and if I do then they are mighty special.
          He likes me, more than I like him and with a different tone. That's bad enough already. I am at a point in my life where I don't want anything serious, I don't want anyone to fall for me, much less have those kind of feelings for me, and I know I cannot stop someone from having those feelings, I would just rather not deal with it. In addition, I still have feelings for my ex and he for I. In which everyone knows this! I just don't want to deal with this kind of pressure at the moment, and I am the type of person to avoid things like this altogether. Sometimes at all costs. This would be the cost of a friend. But he is the one walking out on me. Although he tries to make it seem like I am the one walking out on him, but that don't fly around here. Not with me.
          Twice has he told me he no longer wanted anything to do with me, and twice has he come back apologizing. He needs to make up his mind, deal with me or don't.