Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Understanding life, one tear at a time.

          I am beginning to understand why most unmarried couples do not stay together after having a child. It seems like ever since our son, Luke, was born, my SO has changed. He just doesn't seem into the relationship as much anymore. All throughout my pregnancy he had been telling me how beautiful and wonderful I was, all 200 pounds of me. He was cleaning and doing things for me, massaging me. But once Luke popped out, it all stopped. Since then I have had to ask the guy to clean up after himself, to help clean the house, even for compliments! How can you tell me I'm pretty when I'm almost 200 pounds but now that I'm 160+20 you don't even think to say anything to me? Maybe it was because I was self conscious about my body and he was trying to make me feel better, but now that I don't have the excuse of being pregnant, I am more self conscious than ever.
          I don't want to come off as needy or nagging, but a little compliment here and there never hurt anybody. He has started doing things now that I asked, but it still bothers me that I had to ask in the first place. He is almost 30 years old, I shouldn't have to remind him to clean up after himself. Maybe he has gotten used to the idea of me doing most of it, but in my mind I would think that one would still remove their messes, he is still capable of doing so. He does help out with Luke, that the universe, but it seems like everything else was all on me.
          Noy to mention sex. As anyone with children know, having time for sex is a pretty hard thing to come by. And yeah, I get that he works every night and has class 2 days out of the week, so he is tired a lot (I work too). With our schedules and timing, we rarely have sex anymore. That isn't the real issue. A couple of nights ago we were having a conversation about sex, what we like and what we don't, what turns us on and off. I made a comment about him not being into the things that I am into, which is a lot more than what he is into- and sometimes it makes me wonder why we hooked up in the first place. I said something along the lines of him not being into most of what I am into and it makes me sad. He stopped talking to me after that point because he thought I was saying that sex with him is boring and it hurt his ego and pride. I didn't mean it that way necessarily, and I don't want to say that sex with him is boring, but just that I wish he were into some of the things I was into- it would spice things up. Sex with him isn't quite boring (I still get mine), but it is starting to become predictable.
          With what little time we have for sex we could try something different! This is how it normally goes- he gets turned on, I get halfway turned on, he penetrates in the missionary position, we go at it for a bit, I get a few O's and he may or may not get his before Luke wakes up. We hardly change positions. I even have a nice collection of toys that he could use on me- which when I asked why he doesn't he said, "they're always in the drawer." You mean to tell me you can't take two-three steps over, grab one or five, and come back? Is it that hard? What makes matters worse is that without telling me he was mad at me, he slept all day yesterday (without saying two words to his son because I was around) and wasn't going to try to fix the sex situation. He said "it is what it is." NO! That is not how you continue a lifelong relationship. If that's even what he wants anymore.
          I have even come to him several times talking about how we need to communicate more effectively with each other. But I feel like I am the only one putting forth all the effort. I don't know if I did something wrong to him, if he is just acting this way because of sleep deprivation, or if he just doesn't love me anymore. Am I asking for too much?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Early teething signs?

          My son is only 7 weeks old and seems to already be showing signs of teething, such as drooling, unusual fussiness, and most of all gnawing on things like his fingers, our fingers, and anything that can get near his mouth. We weren't sure what it was at first, but after looking up his symptoms on several different websites, I feel that this is the conclusion. It was between teething and a tummy ache. He has also been burping excessively, hours after every meal. The only thing with that though was he only became fussy during the day, but would sleep great throughout the night, with only two or three feedings needed. During the day he would fall asleep in our arms only to wake up the instant you set him down. From there on he would cry and fuss for no apparent reason until he tired himself out and fell asleep again. I ruled out a tummy ache because I feel that if that were the case it would go on through out the night as well, but lucky for me it doesn't. He has his 2 month well-baby appointment soon, so if it keeps up then we will ask the pediatrician.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Dealing with my new life.

          Well, having a child doesn't feel so bad after the overwhelming feelings are aside now. I think it helps that he is what you would call a "good baby". He doesn't cry unless he needs something, which is always simple, and when he is awake he is normally alert and happy. Although he still doesn't really like diaper changes or bath time. He is almost six weeks old and is going through his third growth spurt. He will eat every two hours and tends to fight sleep. But this shall pass in a few days.

In the first few weeks, I felt like I got upset easily, but not with the baby, with my boyfriend. He would say things or do things that I feel like I wouldn't normally get so upset over, but with my hormone levels trying to balance themselves out, I felt angry at him often. It's not so bad now, but he can still get on my nerves a tad easier than usual. But we are working things out as best as we can, which I think we are doing well.

Earlier today I was on Reddit, and I happened to stumble upon a self article about what women liked to hear when their SO saw/sees them naked. And as I read the comments, I realized that my SO doesn't really compliment me on my physique anymore. I started to cry. Having a child can do some horrible things to your body, so it hit kinda hard. Not only do I have stretch marks, but I also weigh about 20 pounds more than I was before I found out I was pregnant- which was at five months. Notice I said before I found out, not before I became pregnant. Once I found out I was with child, I ate way more than I should have because I felt guilty about not knowing, (there were no symptoms), and not taking care of my body. So consequently, I gained 41 pounds total in the 41 weeks I was pregnant. Normal pregnancy weight gain is about 20-30 pounds. I can't fit any of my "pre-knowlege-pregnancy" clothes.

I went from a size 9 to a size 12/13. I only lost about 20 pounds after giving birth. Also my breasts are much bigger- I went from a size 38DD to a 42DDD. My breasts are full of milk since I am nursing my son. SO needless to say, I don't feel the prettiest right now. It doesn't help that my SO says my breasts are too big for him. "What am I supposed to do with them?", he asks me. He is also an ass man, which I lack. It's not that it's flat, but he calls it a "cute little ass." SO much for making me feel sexy. Thing is, when I was still pregnant, he always heard me complain about my growing body and would tell me that I still looked sexy, but now that I am no longer pregnant, when I complain all he says is that soon I can start going back to the gym. I don't think he means anything wrong by it, but how come he does't tell me that I am still pretty or sexy or anything like that? Does he not think it to be true? Was I only sexy when I was pregnant because I was carrying his child, and also because my hormones were out of control? ( I cried a lot for no real reason.)

I really do want to go back to the gym and get close to my old body back, my breasts won't go back until I stop breastfeeding. I would just like to hear him say something nice about my body sometimes. He knows I don't like it, but telling me to go back to the gym doesn't make anything better either.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Luke D. Ratliff

I had been in easy labor from 8 a.m. on June 29th until 3 p.m. on June 30th. I was admitted to the hospital at 3 p.m. on June 30th because my water level was low. Around 9:30 p.m. that night I was induced. They started me on Pitocin. A couple of hours later I was given Stadol, a pain killer to take the edge off. Not only did it do it's job but it also put me to sleep, making my labor way much easier and quicker. Luke was born shortly after at 3:56 a.m. on July 1st. He weighed in at 7 pounds and 9 ounces and was 21 inches long. He was the most adorable baby I had ever seen. I could not believe that I had just birthed a baby. Even when I think back to it now it feels surreal. But I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world. He is my beautiful, healthy baby boy. <3

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Exciting News!

          This is most definitely an unexpected change in my life, for I am a mother to be. I am having a boy come late June. I now question my career. Should I continue to work after my maternity leave is up or should I finally start on my true goal of becoming an artist, whether it be to write stories or create things? With being a mother I find it would be difficult to find the time to be able to work for a company and do what I want to do. I also do not wish to make my partner the only source of income for us. Times will be tough but I know we will be able to get through this as long as we work together. 

World, be prepared to meet my little minion!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Preview of Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

I need a doctor

As my eyes started to adjust, I could tell there was a table in front of me.. and then another person in the room. They were bound to a chair too…

Who is that? Is… is that me? Am I looking into a mirror? Am I finally dead?

Suddenly the door burst open and in came three men. One was scrawny and short, one was a really tall, muscular guy, and the third looked rather average. They each had a flashlight and shone them in my direction.

“So that’s her, huh?” said the skinny fella.

“Yep. That’s the filthy skank. She looked better with her hair, personally, but Boss said it would just get in the way” replied the tall guy.