Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Ode to life itself

          My life may not be where I pictured it to be right now, but damn, it is great! I could not ask for a better family, a better support group, or a better time. Many people have come and gone, but the true ones are still here with me. We walk together in spirit. We laugh, we cry, but most importantly we live. We live to make the most of today and for a better tomorrow. We have made a commitment to the Earth and to our souls- to care for ourselves and those around us. I may not have many friends, but quality is better than quantity. I have new family members, big and small. New friends with which I share many experiences. Life. Is. Good.

And to those who can't dig it, SUCK IT!!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Understanding life, one tear at a time.

          I am beginning to understand why most unmarried couples do not stay together after having a child. It seems like ever since our son, Luke, was born, my SO has changed. He just doesn't seem into the relationship as much anymore. All throughout my pregnancy he had been telling me how beautiful and wonderful I was, all 200 pounds of me. He was cleaning and doing things for me, massaging me. But once Luke popped out, it all stopped. Since then I have had to ask the guy to clean up after himself, to help clean the house, even for compliments! How can you tell me I'm pretty when I'm almost 200 pounds but now that I'm 160+20 you don't even think to say anything to me? Maybe it was because I was self conscious about my body and he was trying to make me feel better, but now that I don't have the excuse of being pregnant, I am more self conscious than ever.
          I don't want to come off as needy or nagging, but a little compliment here and there never hurt anybody. He has started doing things now that I asked, but it still bothers me that I had to ask in the first place. He is almost 30 years old, I shouldn't have to remind him to clean up after himself. Maybe he has gotten used to the idea of me doing most of it, but in my mind I would think that one would still remove their messes, he is still capable of doing so. He does help out with Luke, that the universe, but it seems like everything else was all on me.
          Noy to mention sex. As anyone with children know, having time for sex is a pretty hard thing to come by. And yeah, I get that he works every night and has class 2 days out of the week, so he is tired a lot (I work too). With our schedules and timing, we rarely have sex anymore. That isn't the real issue. A couple of nights ago we were having a conversation about sex, what we like and what we don't, what turns us on and off. I made a comment about him not being into the things that I am into, which is a lot more than what he is into- and sometimes it makes me wonder why we hooked up in the first place. I said something along the lines of him not being into most of what I am into and it makes me sad. He stopped talking to me after that point because he thought I was saying that sex with him is boring and it hurt his ego and pride. I didn't mean it that way necessarily, and I don't want to say that sex with him is boring, but just that I wish he were into some of the things I was into- it would spice things up. Sex with him isn't quite boring (I still get mine), but it is starting to become predictable.
          With what little time we have for sex we could try something different! This is how it normally goes- he gets turned on, I get halfway turned on, he penetrates in the missionary position, we go at it for a bit, I get a few O's and he may or may not get his before Luke wakes up. We hardly change positions. I even have a nice collection of toys that he could use on me- which when I asked why he doesn't he said, "they're always in the drawer." You mean to tell me you can't take two-three steps over, grab one or five, and come back? Is it that hard? What makes matters worse is that without telling me he was mad at me, he slept all day yesterday (without saying two words to his son because I was around) and wasn't going to try to fix the sex situation. He said "it is what it is." NO! That is not how you continue a lifelong relationship. If that's even what he wants anymore.
          I have even come to him several times talking about how we need to communicate more effectively with each other. But I feel like I am the only one putting forth all the effort. I don't know if I did something wrong to him, if he is just acting this way because of sleep deprivation, or if he just doesn't love me anymore. Am I asking for too much?